Feminism or something else?

I have been becoming increasingly aware that throughout my life I have avoided fulfilling my own aspirations and goals and instead opted to tackle whatever things other people were dealing with. I have denied my own needs, import and comfort. This happens alot with women, especially once you have kids. If you look at a successful adult, often you can look behind and see that their parents were pivotal in their success. Not just success in the classic sense of the word, but in nurturing individuals with their priorities in the right place - as in fulfilment vs material gain.

Behind every great man, is a great woman. Women often provide excellent supporting roles be they visible or otherwise. Behind so many successes you will find one or even an army of women working tirelessly, quietly, not expecting reward or recognition. Because the achievement of the greater good is reward in itself?

Why is this such a successful model? Why do we recognise the success of the (mostly) male figure at the top of the success, but not the men and women, often lots of women, who made it all happen? What we see now, is the massive gap in income and mobility that this results in; women simply earn less for the same effort and they don't complain (enough).

So here's me, a mother, who has put herself last, a lot. Here's me in this culture where this is normal. It doesn't serve me to think like this though. Yes I know I live in an era, a culture where I missed the good stuff, I wasn't encouraged to get far, it was far easier to support someone else who was expected to succeed. Or in my case, I see the men around me (my kids included) who are gifted but also totally inept, that if only I try to fill that gap of ineptitude, their genius will get to shine through.

What motivated me time after time to be the earth, the brick the love and the comfort in the background is I saw this person who was amazing, but that this amazing-ness would only have a chance, if only they didn't disappear under their own flavour of autism. All that lack of executive planning, short attention span, low self esteem, depression, conflicted morals (if you are a moral person, much of what you can do that makes money, just isn't particularly moral - takes advantage of people, kills the planet, hurts animals, involves doing stuff we know to be unsustainable).

Working as a team makes you way stronger than the sum of your parts, for an Autie with all these holes in my skills - the disharmonic profile, we need support to achieve stuff. But we are rubbish at asking for help. I am and I know others are.

So armed with what I understand about myself, I recognise someone else similar and decide that by joining forces, we will do much better than on our own. Then we have children, equally disharmonic in their talents and my job is clear, even if it's not easy. It's clear, I fight for their future.

But what about mine? Oxygen mask first and all that? What sort example am I setting?

My husband is good at the details, keeping order to our finances, reading the small print, pragmatic and systematic. But without me, the trail blazer, the mover, the home maker, his life would be much smaller and more predictable. He is drawn to me to get him out of the boring predictable and I'm drawn to him because, without the boring stuff, the exiting stuff wouldn't happen either.

For me there's a dichotomy of behaviour - I am fulfilling a long established tradition of women who put them selves to one side in order to fulfill a bigger picture - the family, the succes of that talented man who would run out of clothes and food without me (I'm simplifying a lot, yes). The children who need nurturing and almost, the more intelligent and creative, the more upbringing and work it takes.
On the other side, who am I? I have many aspirations, dreams and ambitions, but will I be doomed to look back and think, if only.

Do I blame society? or do I take responsibility, forgive both my circumstances for their part in my underachievement? God, social services, my family, the lottery, whatever, won't save me. Only I can, but only if I'm prepared to ask for help too.

The hardest thing for me to get my head round is that thing where you are taking action, responsibility and being pro-active, but with the help and support that's out there - you have to find it, know that it's there for you, that there are tools to help, and that you deserve to use them. Some believe they have entitlements, I know I do, but I'm not sure I know the right ones.

Some kids are naturally more autonomous than others, some need reminding they don't need to be, don't see their limitations. Some have everything the could possibly need, yet lack the confidence to even attempt what others do without a moment's thought.

I have one of each, the eldest is the latter. He is 11 now and I still get the feeling there is an invisible umbilical chord, he won't go far without me. The younger feels more like a helium balloon on a string, and that if I don't watch out, he'll drift off into the sky out of reach.

I have to assess their daily movements very differently, push both their boundaries, like any parent, but also make sure that how far those boundaries go also needs to have boundaries.

Back to me though, this whole balance business, taking action, asking for help. I am really good and seeing it for others, I am even getting quite good at taking a step back and looking at my own circumstances from the view point of someone else.

True heroes of history pretty much always take what's expected, what's 'normal' and sometimes legal, and say this is not for me, I have a bigger, better, different idea. You can achieve great things regardless of what's going on around you. You can do this for yourself or for others - a small or a large group. Both are valid, both ultimately benefit or inspire others.

I am really starting to see that I can't validate something unless it benefits others! I can't even write about how wrong I feel it is to do something that doesn't. I can't even discribe it other than as a 'not helping others'! It's selfish, it's greedy, it's well, pointless to me. Very interesting.

I feel like I need to understand selfishness, I know I can be selfish, I'm not a saint! But most people do seem to be more selfish than I am. But interestingly, I pity them for that. How does that work?

Anyway, now I'm avoiding dusting my living room, I'm getting hungry and I've promised a friend I'll get her a herbal remedy in town for her bruised ribs having been hit by a car on her bike.

What do I want? I'm not sure. But everything I'm doing today is working towards my image I'm maintaining as a kind friend, a good mother, homemaker, generally fairly organised. My working week is like this, doing useful stuff supporting my family and friends.

Does that make me a rubbish feminist? or a person avoiding doing anything for herself, failing for herself, succeeding for herself, taking criticism or credit?

What do I say to people who say to me what is it that you do?

One of the hardest parts about not having a proper job, no degree, no specific career path or idea of actually what it is I want to 'be' is this question.

I do loads of stuff, I earn money cleaning people's houses because there is literally nothing else out there for me right now. So why can't I say that? I can think of lots of reasons. I'm a snob, or at least someone who believes that jobs define a person to some extent, I guess I grew up with that, but personally? I feel like saying that, I've failed in life. I know it's not the case, but I'm being honest here.
I have a at the very least a book about being a woman with Aspergers in me, a screenplay on a historical character I want to write, and a cook book. That's all the writing.
I would like to run a natty little shop in the centre of Utrecht selling interesting stuff relating to cycling, not bikes, everything but the bike - which is what I'd call it.
I would like to campaign for women's rights home and abroad, it's a subject so nebulous and so far from a place where we are anywhere near an acceptable level of equality with men, I don't know where to start.
I'd like to make a concept album about Utrecht with electronic music.
I'd like to be a stand up comedian
I'd like to be able to do lots of long and short random projects that touch people, inspire people and cause trouble for people who already have a way to big slice of pie. If you get a big piece of pie, when you are full, share the rest. The chances are, that pie you have, even if you worked hard for it, you didn't work hard for the body and mind you were given when you were born, that came to you by chance, as did who your parents were and so on. I'm fed up with people thinking that just because you worked hard, you didn't get to work hard by working hard, you got to work hard by having a vehicle (body and mind) that worked in the first place.

Anyway. Still don't know what to say when that dreaded question comes up.

Begining again

I keep starting blogs and not continuing, my attention span is really not up to the task. Whatever, this time will be different, well actually I don't care. I'm not going to worry about this being read or not, I'm not setting out on doing something massive or that interesting, just writing it down.

I'm doing this for a number of reasons, here they are in no particular order:

I've started a course called a year to clear - I'm encouraged to write down my thoughts
I'm writing (several) books, or I want to, so all writing is practice, I wont write the book here of course, but I'm sure this will have some relevance.
This includes a cookbook I have in mind which will be a 5 year project documenting life where I live in Overvecht, Utrecht, NL. This cookbook will be a work of art, the lives, the food, the people, the place.
I have high functioning Autisme and ADHD, diagnosed earlier this year, still working out who I am and where I'm going with it.
I am a mother of two high functioning autistic kids, it's a roller coaster.
I am a wife of a highly gifted, autistic, hyper sensitive, depressed, recovering from a breakdown husband, I don't go on about it too much on social media, that wouldn't be appropriate or necessary but I want a space where I can write about it.
My hobbies (do I have time for hobbies?) are cycling and music. I sing in a choir and I want to ensure that I regularly get to make music with other people - it's good for my soul.
I cycle for transportation and enjoyment, not fast, not particularly far, but it's my moments of prayer, of contemplation, where my best ideas are formed and where I feel most connected to myself.
I am a homemaker, I don't have very much money for this, but with what I can find, I channel my imagination and creativity into my home for me and my family. Especially my garden, it's not much, but I am constantly looking out into it, walking round it and regularly adding or taking away. I love to grow things, I'm getting quite experienced. Right now, I have about half a metric ton of bricks waiting in the front garden that I got for free last week to make a planter and possibly a bbq in the back garden, together with some car tyres I found in a skip.
I am a practical person, I work well with my hands, I'm strong and I like to tinker - with bikes, the garden, a bit of art if I can, decorating, I want to try tiling and wallpapering if I can.
I am calendar coordinator for the IWCU - International Women's Club Utrecht - my job is to manage the member's calendar of events - mostly responding to emails asking for events to be added or changed and managing that on line calendar.

I love to learn, I love to read, I love to write, I love to listen, I love to watch, I love to move, I love to lounge about and watch telly with one of my boys, I love to grow stuff, I love to cook, I love to dance to music, I love to play music, I love to sing, I love to sleep, I love to bob about in water, I love to cycle, I love to help my friends, I love my husband, I love my boys. I even love to clean up my house and enjoy looking around at how nice it looks again, even if getting started is rare.

This coming year I will be starting a communal garden project together with others living nearby, to transform a bit of waste ground into a place to grow stuff. There is the possibility of a bee hive too. What goes on here is also going to be a part of the cookbook content - growing your own with a balcony or a small city garden.

So much of this is connected - writing is or should/could be the medium to bring it together, ideally to publish things that will inspire others in various ways. I am compelled and motivated by sharing what I know, bringing together what others know and making it available for as many as possible. I am inspired by others who are doing this and have done this. What holds me back is my lack of planning and ability to stick with things for very long - my attention span and lack of confidence. I get really enthused by an idea, then imagine it to the point it takes over the entire world, then I think about what I would have to do to make that happen. Then I realise I have two kids to look after and we all have autism which limits what I'm capable of (I couldn't do the whole, work, be a parent, study in my spare time deal that so many women can - by the evening, I'm done, plus I don't have much income so courses have to be free or cheap, stuff to do is invariably volunteer work) and park it with all the other ideas. I'm working out how to eat an elephant, how to make every day count and hopefully how to finally achieve even a fraction of the possibilities that have been born only to live in the great parking space in my mind.

August is almost done with, September is on it's way. In my head I keep thinking it's soon time to plant bulbs - my garden is established but sparse - we moved in last October and with the small amount of resources I have available, I'm slowly getting the garden to where I'd like to be. This includes buying copious amounts of bulbs on the market soon, and planting them.
Then there's the bricks waiting in the front garden - I've got a few ideas in my head, plus I will need 50 euros give or take or so for soil and some plants for the planters - or at least I want to get it to a point where in the spring, I can have a place to pop the baby plants in as they get big enough from seeds - flowers and edibles.

My smart phone is on it's last legs, there's no obvious source of a couple of hundred euros to replace that at the moment.

I'm organising a first aid course for the IWCU members, I need to do a refresher, right now though, I could do with postponing it to the spring, if I'm honest. If it goes ahead I'll know by the end of this week, that's set in motion.

This week I will be setting many things in motion and resuming things that have been 'on holiday' for the summer. I like beginnings, I'm watching carefully what happens next though.