A man destined to hang can never drown

Friday morning as I arrived, a little late for my appointment with my psycologist, Daniel Cowman started playing on my phone. It is usually on random and my SD card with hundreds of albums has four by Regina Spektor: Begin to hope, Soviet Kitsch, Songs and Mary Ann meets the Gravediggers. I really enjoy Regina Spektor, I saw her play live earlier this year in Amsterdam at the Paradiso and cried real tears of joy and Wimsey when she played Samson.

But then since then, it's now Sunday, Daniel Cowman is playing the piano and her haunting melody through my head like a ghost that needs something from me. My meaning making machine head just needs to get it's thoughts together so it can move on.

The song was playing I don't exist, I don't exist, I don't exist and Now that we've go that straight, doesn't mean that I can fly, doesn't mean that I can do whatever I want.  Apart from the fact I liked the melody and structure of the song, I felt the urge to look up the lyrics and meaning to the song. Who on earth is Daniel Cowman and why is he destined to hang?

Firstly the lyrics

There are two sections where there are links to who he might possibly be, from a Modest Mouse song called Cowboy Dan where Cowboy Dan drives into the dessert shooting his rifle saying "God, if I have to die, you will have to die" The world should have stopped existing, how can it go on if I don't exist? But the bit that captures my imagination is the idea that a man destined to hang can never drown. There is no such thing as destiny and when a person is sentenced to death or even to prison time, their fate or destiny is controlled. Now can I take a fucking bath? so by drowning in the bath before he's sentenced to death, he's regained control.

This came up in the case at the Hague. Former Bosnian Croatian war criminal drunk poison after being tried and convicted.

The worst thing you can do to a person is to take away their freedom. Lets face it, if you are being tried for war crimes, you've been messing with the freedoms of not just the odd person.

So maybe this song is a tale of freedom, an expression of one person's relationship to it.

and now that we got that straight, doesn't mean that I can fly 
Doesn't mean that I can go do whatever I want 
Now that we got that clear, and you know that I'm not here 
Doesn't mean that I can go do whatever I please 

When you cease to exist, when you die, you don't get freedom, cus you don't exist!

The untimely death sentence, Heroine Boy, out of control, dangerous to himself and all around him, destined (no such thing) to die, but why hang when you can drown. It takes courage to take your fate into your own hands and finish your own life so that you don't let someone else have that satisfaction.

If you are an addict on death row, arguably someone who's whole life has been manipulated and abused, from the start, parents, the system, addiction is a disease that has been criminalised. 

A war criminal is a different animal, but whether he contests his innocence or just doesn't agree that what he did was a crime, when the day of judgement came, he took the power to decide when he no longer exists. 

Redirecting thoughts

The human mind is a powerful generator that cannot be turned off; it can only be directed.

What thoughts would you like (re) direct today?

I am nothing, empty and meaningless - a useful thing to remember when I'm telling myself that life isn't fair and complaining that things aren't all my way. I am a lighter person, but i also need to direct import in the direction of things that for no reason other than I choose, are worth doing.
I am searching for some magical purpose, calling, that thing that I am born to do. But it (probably) doesn't exist, in my case perhaps.
Am I destined to be a writer? Have some really interesting ideas and plots I want to explore, plus I am a pretty good writer and inventor of ideas. But I have limited time and energy, and an urgent need to spend what time I have, earning even a small amount of money.
There are jobs out there that I could do, using my brains, experience and energy, if only I knew how to find them, how to convince them I was useful and if need be invest time and energy learning new skills. I am a clever person, but I'm still working out where I'm cleverest and where I'm not.

My story is that I don't know, I am bored of applying for jobs where they come back with the fact that I have no recent experience, yes I know! that's because I'm suddenly unemployable! Talk about catch 22. I need someone to be willing to take a risk, or to give me the opportunity to catch up, it wouldn't take long (if any time - it's rubbish, I am not rusty at all, I just haven't been employed for decade - I've worked for myself and run a family).

This is also kind of a storyline as technically I'm working now, I clean 3 mornings a week and child mind 2 afternoons a week, so that's a respectable part time income, except that there's no progression, no holiday money, no sick pay and no security. It's hand to mouth.

So the fact is, I'm working, the rest is whatever I happen to feel like.

Maybe I should compile a list of all the things I'm interested in, all the things I'm good at, all the things I'm ok at and all the things I hate or I'm rubbish at. Then see what drifts to the surface.

How much time and energy to I actually have to do stuff? How much time am I actually prepared to dedicate to earning a living?

If my story is that I don't know what to do with myself, then the obvious thing to do is to focus in on that rather than it being ever present on in my peripheral vision and every time I see something I might like I think about it for an hour, a day a week, maybe a month, and then I remember there was other stuff I liked or that it requires money and time investment which makes me nervous as I have wasted so much in the past and changed my mind and my plans.


Up to now I've seen that my short attention span lends well to project work, that my intelligence lends well to being able to fully comprehend a situation or task, that my strong language skills lend well to being a good communicator, both verbally and on paper. My integrity and honesty lends well to working on things that make a difference - I am not motivated by money, pay or  even acknowledgement so much as doing stuff that is useful and there's a tangible result or outcome.

I am a good leader, I am not proud or vain or interested in power. However I'm rubbish at demonstrating that I'm a good leader in an interview, because I haven't worked out what it is that I actually did in situations where I took the leadership role. I don't gravitate towards leadership unless I see that it's not already being led. I possibly avoid or lack the confidence to impose or offer leadership, to me leadership requires invitation. This probably isn't true, or it is true but I'm not seeing or interpreting the invitation.

So many things - a mind dump

My head is infinitely spilling over with ideas and things to get round to. Amazing stories that i forget, jobs I would like to do, things I would like to try, ideas I want to explore and they vanish quietly as I carry on with my life.

This life that I slowly try to keep a float, where the work I'm paid to do is a drop in the ocean to what we actually need. Where my peers are telling me about their academic and professional projects that do seem to pay them to have the lives they want. They get to travel and have choices. Here's me cleaning houses. I actually quite like it, I can switch off just enough, it's the simple, repetitive task that lets my brain go into free flow. With the radio on in the back ground, stimulating my thoughts and teaching me new things.

I have great ideas while I'm cleaning, sometimes practical ideas, sometimes really good plot ideas for films or stories, sometimes I work out really great ways to fix the worlds problems, if only that really mattered and I was in a position where I really could help.

Toby's mental health is a constant worry and burden, he shouts his head off about needing peace, he bangs doors because we clattered something. Everything he does is a laudably violent retaliation for the audio sensitivity he feels. It's exhausting and relentless. I hear myself saying, well he does do stuff like take the kids sledging or step in at the weekend when I had flu, but there's bound to be a fall out of spasms and shouting that follows and I am very selective about when I choose to give myself that time to be sick. I have to because, I know if I don't i will be no use to anyone, and when I do have a break, knowing that it will make Toby suffer his illness worse for that short time, it's so that I can carry on and pick up again. I'm cunning and ruthless short, but it's so that we can keep going long term.

My whole life I have day dreamed wonderful ideas and created special interests to distract me, sometimes they coincide with work, or actual stuff to do, sometimes it's accompanied by me reading books or watching stuff about it. They vanish as quickly as they appear, and I'm left with the residual broad general knowledge which is useful and makes me a very rounded person.

But I have no expertise, I want one, I need one, I just want to focus for long enough so that I can do something useful. I catch myself, I find something, I become fanatical, then I can feel it loosing it's magic, I complain internally and externally, then to my relief, I release it. Usually to allow more space for an emerging priority, this priority might not be self generated, but it's generated by utility or love, urges, necessity, survival, aspirations. These things are so overwhelmingly powerful, they take me over and yet they are ultimately self generated by me, they are powerful, I move mountains for myself, for others, I am powerful, energetic, creative and clever, tenacious and resourceful. Then there's something new, first I need to recover, to flop, to collapse, to sleep, to sloth, maybe a day, maybe a week, my back goes, I lie down a lot, it makes my back worse, then I rest, I slowly get more active again, recover, the energy returns and I am back for the next project. Except they are not projects, they are hugely inefficient and I am wasting all this energy being very useful but not really. I can justify this as motherhood, my kids get good parenting, better than i see some of my peers doing.

But then I see others doing so much better. Money can't buy so much of what parenting involves, but it damn well helps! there are lots of things they are not getting because we can't afford it. There are lots of things they are not getting because I don't have the bandwidth, between my own autism and Toby's I can't fit it in. We schedule, we plan, we create strategies, but we are still somehow not getting it right.

Some of these I can justify, excuse, explain, some of those explanations are justified others explain alright, but I can't justify and I don't excuse. I want to improve and each time I see something, I resolve to move it in the right direction. I can't see everything, I can't be everything. I wish i could be paid to do what I'm good at so I could pay someone else to do what i'm not good at.

I desperately want to create something useful, fulfil a purpose and get paid enough to be comfortable to do it. I have denied my passions and special interests as too niche or too pointless, I have diluted myself and hidden myself under a facade of responsibility and respectability, I don't know who or what I am any more.

I change my mind so many times as to what I could do with my talents, but I don't have the time or energy to practice my talents, I don't have the executive functioning to remember to practice them more's the point. I want to break these patterns of aimless idle dreaming, dreams are great, but how can I make at least some of it reality, I don't need much of it, I just want something to become real.

Reality shouldn't just be drudgery and obligations, or just the empty pleasure of a telly show, a trip to the pub, a board game or a day that the spa. They are never going to go away, and i don't want them to, but that world, where people study for stuff, they make stuff, the create possibilities that become useful stuff. People go great, nice stuff you are doing, or even what do I  do with this stuff? But they have produced something, like it or not.

I want to produce more than just waste.

Glorious Autumn and the many great ideas I get while cycling somewhere.

This morning I had to pick up my Son from a sleepover the other side of the City in another town. It's a good ride, about 45mins, through the city and out the other side. The weather this morning was glorious. Autumn at it's best, blue skies, temperature in the mid teens, the trees going yellow, red and orange, people milling about on foot and by bike mostly, the many markets, the church bells, the city is slowly getting going in the late morning sunshine.
Firstly I imagined a film treatment - my bike ride through the city, it was so perfect, the streets quietly getting going with mainly people on foot or by bike, very little motor traffic. The city is full of trees, coming into Autumn, the buildings beautiful. But where am I going? why am I cycling? it's not a bike ride - I get frustrated by the UK preoccupation with cycling as a sport and leisure activity. Utility cycling is where it's at. So this wonderful morning bike ride was not just a random bike ride, I was picking up my son, most of the people I saw on bikes were going somewhere for a reason. Cyclists on roadbikes did come up on the route too, in lycra, doing the sport and leisure thing, but the majority were on utility cycling bikes, off somewhere for some reason.
I thought about how you could film some of these journeys. A case for utility cycling. To illustrate to other countries how utility cycling works with the right infrastructure; how by enabling over half the population in a big city go go about their daily life safely and easily by bike, how the quality of life rises. It's healthy, almost free, fast, effective and fun.
If I had been living in the UK, going to pick up my 9 year old son from a sleep over in another town would have to involve a car or public transport. I have a transport rack on the front of my bike, my son loves to sit on the front, it's relatively easy, the paths are good and it's safe. It's safe because should something happen, he simply jumps off. I can't live in the UK like I can in the Netherlands, the biggest difference is the bike infrastructure and it makes the experience of life in a city completely different to my experience in the UK.
So today's half baked idea was to make films of the short rides people make accross the country while going about their lives. Utility rides - journeys that pretty much all would need to be done by car in the UK. To collate these films by people and use them to educate town planners and road designers as well as politicians and the public in general how it actually works - that life is way better that way - it's healthy, fast, fun, nearly free and good for the running of the city, it's economy and it's general health as a whole.
Then I remembered that I am already incredibly busy and I often have good ideas like this while riding around, doing stuff and then I carry on with my life. I'm not the only one, maybe I need somewhere to dump all my half baked ideas, save them for later. Most of them never get off the ground because I lack the time, money, resources and skills to do anything with the ideas. Their viability is irrelevant.
So a place to dump all these ideas, to get into the habit of writing them down, banking them for later.
Now back to the rest of life, time to take the kids to scouts (by bike) and off to the shops (by bike). Who knows what wonderful things might pop into my head...

Weather

I'm acquainting myself with the idea of looking at my feelings and sensations as a kind of weather. These sensations pass over you, for whatever reasons - worry, discomfort, irritation they come and go. I've long known that these have no meaning, that the quicker I let them go, the more in the moment I am. I like the idea of regarding them rather like weather - something that clouds over and stops the warm energy from getting through. You could take the analogy further, without rain, nothing would grow. The things that effect us are part of existence, the rain might not feel nice at the time, but the flowers and the food grows. When there's a storm, hunker down and wait for it to pass, don't fight it or take it personally.

Moving stuck energy

Yesterday morning, after getting the kids off to school, just as I was leaving for work, I had Rasperry Beret playing full on in my head. This was a relief as for weeks now, the Kick Inside was starting to feel more like some sort of spiritual possession. It stayed firmly playing in the back ground 24/7, yes even through the night and I was beginning to fear for my sanity.

So as I left for work, usual routine, headphones, phone, keys, coat, I knew I had Around the World in a Day on my phone, so searched for that, then Raspberry Beret, so the rest of the Album would continue on after.

On the way to work, I sung loudly on the bike, past the school, the park, under the railway. Raspberry Beret is a joyous tune. Again, an album from my youth, one that I remember spending time staring at the cover as it played. A lot. The first song by prince that got me hooked on the radio was When doves cry. I've never been in a family with domestic violence, fortunately for me, but that song touched something in me. It brought home to me the experience of the victim, the feelings of helplessness, loneliness, fear, need to escape, being torn apart by love. Closing down as much of your emotions as possible just to get through the day. Genius song. From a very young age, I was drawn to empathise with situations and emotions beyond my years or own experience. In part I felt grateful, but also I took it to mean Walk a mile in someone's shoes. You never know what's really going on inside a person, and the decisions we make, they aren't based on rational choices, but often better the devil you know, or just plain fear.

Around the World in a Day, in my opinion was Prince's finest album. I didn't realise it was his fifth album, it was his second with his band the Revolution. I was only really aware of Purple rain, to me this album came at a time when he had the comfort of Purple Rain behind him, but the heady heights of stardom you see with Parade, were still to come. It is also a study in Kookyness. It's a check list for high functioning ASD, it's a tribute to peculiar, sensitive, intelligent but pretty dysfunctional individuality. It was an insight into people who made more sense to me than some of the people around me. Looking at the internet information on the album, his band at the time had a lot to do with it's psychedelic nature as well. The cover was compared to Sargent Peppers, which he didn't like at the time. I really liked Wendy and Lisa, and watching them perform, even more so than watching Prince, in a way. They were real women, musicians and interesting looking individuals. Again one of the things I admired most about Prince was his respect for women as people and musicians. Raspberry beret was objectification, but not the usual sort of objectification, more nuanced, balanced.

It's a concept album of sorts, it's not an Album you can easily put on in the back ground, there are some tunes that really require your full attention, if you don't they are just too intrusive.

There are just huge hits; Paisley Park - the name he later gave to his home and recording complex and a clearly a personal expression of how this place exists in his imagination to process the pain and suffering of the human condition, as well as the love and spiritual being. Raspberry Beret, the song that really had me hooked, the rest are all really powerful songs. This album was a huge success reaching no.1 in many countries, but it's not a mainstream album at all. The A side hit the mainstream and my imagination too, the B side has a lot to offer, but it's an acquired taste.

Paisly Park, is that place where the colourful people congregate,

There is a park that is known
For the face it attracts
Colorful people whose hair
On 1 side is swept back
The smile on their faces
It speaks of profound inner peace
Ask where they're going
They'll tell you nowhere
They've taken a lifetime lease
On Paisley ParkIt's finding peace, acceptance and joy, for yourself and for others.
The girl on the seesaw is laughing
For love is the color
This place imparts (Paisley Park)
Admission is easy, just say you
Believe and come to this
Place in your heart
Paisley Park is in your heartThere is also a nod to those people you see on park benches, their lives not what they were, maybe they never were up to 'normal life'. It's talking about ordinary mental illness, depression, not as illness but as other being, from the point of view of the person in their world, a world that others seldom go. It's a world that we all know at some point in our lives to some extent.

There is a woman who sits
All alone by the pier
Her husband was naughty
And caused his wife so many tears
He died without knowing forgiveness
And now she is sad, so sad
Maybe she'll come to the park
And forgive him
And life won't be so bad
In Paisley Park

Then there's Condition of the Heart
There was a girl in Paris
Whom he sent a letter to
Hoping she would answer back
Now wasn't that a fool
Hardy notion on the part of a
Sometimes lonely musician
Acting out a whim is only good
For a condition of the heart

Every verse a sad story of heart break and loneliness

Thinking about you driving me crazy
My friends all say it's just a phase, but oh oh
Every day is a yellow day
I'm blinded by the daisies in your yardThen my favourite...

Seems that I was busy doing something close to nothing
But different than the day before
That's when I saw her, ooh, I saw her
She walked in through the out door, out doorThis was the woman I wanted to be, what I aspired to be at the age of 14, this was what a woman could be. She knew what she liked, she was able to look after herself. It's basically a one (day) stand, it's a chance encounter with this woman, but she stood out. She wasn't interested in 'settling down' , she was in interesting person, who dressed how she pleased and acted how she pleased. What was refreshing was hearing a man's point of view of a woman who didn't conform, a man who in his eyes this was a good thing, that he'd learnt stuff from this short encounter, that he'd been inspired by her and didn't see him self as the wise one, as an equal.

Then I saw the lyrics properly, naah, it's not like that at all, he's describing a moment in time, built like she was, I liked that line, because he was obviously lighter build than she was - most men I've loved were lighter than me, shorter than me. She wasn't too bright. Oh. I don't remember that line, in my story, she was cleverer than that.

It's a nice story of a day in the life of being young and free. I had a fair few days similar to this, often with a boyfriend rather than some random little bloke on a motorbike. The reference to him doing something close to nothing but different than the day before, the internet refers to Mr McGee as a racist referring to his skin colour and stereotypical idleness - but my interpretation was that a creative type is never bored, they might look like they aren't doing much, but it's not about productivity, it's a creative urge to see and do something different than the day before. So this person that Prince was describing himself as, was in my eyes the type of dropout creative type that to me seemed more authentic, trust worthy, and perfectly flawed.

My interpretation of this song is somehow so much more than the bare lyrics. It did mean something different to me, even if at the time I'd embellished the lyrics to mean more than they did. Now that I read them, maybe partly though the eyes of the 46 year old woman I am now, it doesn't sound as empowered as it did to my 14 year old self. It did empower me though, not in a way that I'd go round having affairs with random men on motorbikes, but to be a girl with a raspberry beret - I did have a second hand raspberry beret at one point in my 20's. I was independent, I wasn't taken in and I did what I wanted with whom I wanted.

Built like she was
She had the nerve to ask me
If I planned to do her any harm
So, look here
I put her on the back of my bike
And we went riding
Down by old man Johnson's farm
I said now, overcast days never turned me on
But something about the clouds and her mixed
She wasn't too bright
But I could tell when she kissed me
She knew how to get her kicks
She wore a
Raspberry beret
The kind you find in a second hand store
Raspberry beret
And if it was warm she wouldn't wear much more
Raspberry beret
I think I love her
The rain sounds so cool when it hits the barn roof
And the horses wonder who you are
Thunder drowns out what the lightning sees
You feel like a movie star
Listen
They say the first time ain't the greatest
But I tell ya
If I had the chance to do it all again
I wouldn't change a stroke
'Cause baby I'm the most
With a girl as fine as she was then
Well that was the Aside...

The Kick Inside

I've been a huge fan of Kate Bush since I was about nine years old. My Dad bought The Kick Inside and considering at that age with nothing on telly, not being an outdoor type, or particularly a reader I spent most of my spare time sitting next to my Dad's 4 speed gramophone staring at the covers of the records and listening. The Kick Inside, the entire album, but especially the A side, was a particular favourite and throughout my life when times are hard, I listen to it and it grounds me. The Kick Inside track is the last on the B side, so didn't really get much of my attention back then.
Since I've had a few gig of music on my smart phone (I think there's about 10gb of music on the SD card give or take, so a good few years now, but still recent, I suppose, I don't by any means, have everything on there I own, but I've got The Hounds of Love, The Sensual World and The Kick Inside on my phone at the moment and while I'm working or riding around, my phone is on random, but it seems to pick these up quite a lot.
Having recently really become present to how much I've put myself last this has been something I've been picking up in lyrics, especially our lovely Kate.
Giving it all in a moment or two
Giving it all in a moment for you
This song plays in my head all the time at the moment, I've not really ever looked at the meaning behind the song - as it turns out, the story is old and about a brother and sister who fall in love, she gets pregnant and kills herself. So not really my story.
It is such a very human, often female thing to do. To remove yourself from the situation to save others, sometimes spiritually, sometimes physically, usually with no thought for your own wants or needs. Your happiness depends on the happiness of another - not even their approval or to make you loved by them. It's utterly selfless, you don't matter, they do.
So no, the story doesn't fit but of course, the sentiment does. Kate, in writing the song was getting in to the character of this young girl and she understood the emotions. Some said this was very precocious as she wrote some of the most incredible songs on some of the deepest and darkest sides of the female mind in her teens. I'm with her too, I was just like that, at that age too.
This song haunts me now, it's calling me out. I haven't considered suicide and I don't intend to, but I am, I suppose calling myself out "for giving it all" it's what 'we do' so there's definitely a level of acceptance needed, forgiveness too. In this day and age, we are expected to be more selfish. To look after our needs, and I pretty much, didn't. Some I did, I kept a roof over my head, I had some fun, looked for interesting things to do, but I drift into things, if I like them, it sticks until I think I've got as far as I can, then I drift away and into something else.
But having children, a husband. It consumed me.
I noticed a while ago that I am a very loyal partner, but when it comes to work or a career (no, not had that yet) I drift around. My confidence in my abilities is very low, and now I can see that my executive functioning skills, or lack of, has tripped up pretty much every attempt at anything academically certifiable (so to speak). Another big hurdle is always money. I can't save, I can't diet, I can't plan unless something massive depends on it. I'm not 'massive enough' though. I did move my entire family to another country and by a house, but it wasn't for me (well it was, but what I wanted was for them) and it wasn't my money - it was Toby's Parents and the money was to be used for nothing else.
Jobs I've wanted, dream jobs - DJ, Stand up comedian, musician, writer, director. All require not just planning skills, but pretty high levels of planning and practice.
Maybe the job at the prison appeals to me because it's about teaching what I haven't yet learnt myself - to be able to pick a vocation, plan how to become qualified and to go and do it.
But first, do you need to know who you are? It might be useful. Some just do it, without all the soul searching, especially if they can plan. They think about what they enjoy and the rest comes naturally. But what if you don't know what you enjoy? your enjoyment isn't selfish enough, or it's motivated simply by a need for love or safety. Or you do, but you think your not good enough? For me, it's probably a mixture of all three.
The Kick Inside

Week 2 check in. What am I becoming aware of?

Right now, I'm aware that it's first thing Monday morning, I've got the boys to school with homework done, food, clean, they woke up in clean bedding and the house might need a good clean, but at least it's actually pretty tidy.
This is in part due to me putting my foot down and getting my husband and kids to pull their weight too. I'm noticing that I feel the need to keep raising the standard of living - not so much material, but the state of the place in general - keeping it cleaner more regularly and tidy more of the time. I'm not a tidy person particularly, but I do notice that the chaos I generally find more familiar isn't very good for us a family or me particularly. So by keeping things up even just slightly better, we all actually function better too.
I am noticing that I do notice when I need to rest and I do, not always at the convenience of everyone else either, although of course I do work around absolutes like school etc. I might have had to admit that I've been putting myself last too much, but some how I have also made sure that I stayed unfrazzled by having the odd duvet day, or day out to myself. Toby appreciates the need I have and we more or less respect that about each other.
I'm noticing that I tend to internalise whatever is happening that I am not happy about, I don't complain, well I guess I do to myself, but not to others. Then usually when my hormones are at the monthly low, I seem to feel everything more acutely which is actually a very good thing. Without this, I'd probably not admit it to myself or others. This last week I had a good cry while I was working - cleaning work is good for thinking and I let it all float to the surface, I must have only stopped to cry for maybe 30 seconds, if that, let it sink in, then moved on. When I got home, I told Toby what had happened and how low I was feeling. Gradually throughout the day, I choose moments to embelish more and was able to be more authentic, I didn't hold back, but it was all said with no emotion behind it, purely how it was. It was extremely effective for us both. By just explaining the thought processes and how one thing results in another, it was just what it was. The solution was also clear and straight forward. He needs to pull his weight, stop complaining and realise he's not the only one with feelings. Easier said of course, but he is at least receptive and willing to try.
I keep house work instructions simple and don't give out too many tasks at a time. On the other hand, I'm also saying, look, use some initiative, if you see this, do that. I have been on the whole much happier towards the end of the week with this situation and of course, it works the best when I'm doing the stuff I said I'd do too.
I am very much the head of the house, it just is that way. Mentally I'm the one with the most spoons and I'm the one with probably the best vision of how the future needs to look for us all to function better. It's a lot to juggle though, having to manage my own well being as an Autie adult who could easily forget to eat, shower, dress. Unless I'm doing something that specifically requires me to look a certain way - smart, 'normal' etc, I don't really care much about my appearance.
I notice I'm in my head a lot. With the cleaning work I can switch off and drift off into my thoughts. At the moment I'm unpicking in my mind how I ended up at this place - cleaning people's homes. I actually think everyone should have to do a bit of cleaning, it's an important way to ground yourself. I understand why people would rather pay someone else to do it, especially if they are busy with interesting jobs or bringing up a family. The day to day drudgery that is parenthood, a bit of help, relief and just not having to do it is very tempting.
I can't stop thinking in terms of the socialogical implications with my work. As a woman, a woman with a carreer etc we are still expected to be the ones who manage things like the bathroom or changing the beds, it's like for men it kind of happens by magic and often if it doesn't they wouldn't notice anyway. My kids certainly don't, and Toby never has, when I met him, I don't think he ever really ever changed the bedding in his room or dusted - he did his chores in the shared house he lived in - because it was expected and came across as fairly emancipated, but in his actual room, tidy though it was, that was really it.
So, instead of doing the cleaning, you can shed the stereotypical job of head cleaner and pay someone else. That someone else is most likely another woman, me. I'm that woman paid so you don't have to be the cleaner. It doesn't sit right with me at all. I'm now a domestic servant, at home and for my work, and for now, that's how it is. I'm noticing that aside from what I'm actually doing - the work itself, it is what it is, I'm thinking and listening to music all the while - when I have to think about a task, like this morning, I was asked to clean all the kitchen cupboards. I was really not happy about it. Kill me, kill me know. I have to carefully remove each item on a shelf, clean the shelf and replace the contents roughly in the same order as before. Just enough thought required to require thinking about it, but obviously mind numbingly boring. Annoyingly boring. Partly, it's the sort of job that we all resist doing at home, but then at least there's the satisfaction of finding a few things that got lost (that's usually what sparks a cupboard clean out in the first place, lets be honest), there's the pride in opening the cupboard and seeing that it's all where it should be, there's in my case, usually a bit of thought and creativity there, I've reorganised stuff, improved upon the utility of my kitchen. None of that satisfaction here when you clean out someone else's though. Dull dull dull.
I did decide to swap my music to a radio podcast, this did deliver some interesting insights and was entertaining, so I was able to focus on the task and let my brain absorb and listen to stuff much more stimulating that background music. Background music is better when I can properly think while cleaning on auto pilot.
The hardest thing about cleaning, for me though, is there is no progression, nothing to work towards, it's not a job that leads to anything, apart from a pay check. These houses are all cleaner before I start than my own, so that idea of the satisfaction of seeing it clean, to be honest, isn't a thing when it was clearly clean to start with.
The thing I notice that is really interesting, is that I'm keeping my own house up better since I've been cleaning other houses. I think this is partly because I resent the idea that these houses are cleaner than mine. I see it isn't clean and clean it, so I'm finding it harder to ignore the dirt. Partly I think, because I've become better at cleaning. Up to now, I generally leave it to the point when for some reason, like I have visitors coming or I'm looking for somthing I've lost and I see the dirt and think blegh! I'll stick some music on and get to work. My bedroom rarely gets cleaned more than twice a year. But recently, I'll dust and clean my bedroom every few weeks. Bathroom too, well pretty much the whole house. Not in one go, like my work, but I'll take on a room or a floor more frequently.
I also delegate these tasks to the kids and to toby - the fact is it's a job, it needs doing, but unless I notice it, work out what needs doing and ask for it to be done, it would just go unnoticed.
I'm noticing that writing my thoughts is a good way to let them go too, as if my mind won't move on unless they've been written somewhere. The other side of this is with Autism, it's common that things do go out of existence once they have been put a way, filed, written down etc, so the trick is to be mindful here. I have a huge pile of filing to do, I've left it in plain sight, so it doesn't go away. It will take as long as it takes to file, but it will be less time than it has up to now, spend sitting at the bottom of a chest of drawers.
I notice that since I got the date for the selection day for this possible job I'm going for working as a 'medewerker arbeid' which in English means 'job worker' pretty much, I've been thinking about what to say on the day.
This is the job description in Dutch:
Door te werken in de gevangenis krijgen gedetineerden dagritme en structuur, en vergroten zij hun kansen op de arbeidsmarkt na de detentie. Als medewerker arbeid instrueer, begeleid, stimuleer en motiveer je een groep gedetineerden bij hun werkzaamheden in een penitentiaire inrichting en draagt zo bij aan een succesvolle re-integratie. Daarbij controleer je de voortgang en kwaliteit, én weet je discipline, verwachtingen, grenzen en spelregels onder de aandacht te brengen. Jij bent verantwoordelijk voor een goede sfeer op de werkplaats. Met de gedetineerden voer je ook gesprekken om hun capaciteiten, doelstellingen en wensen op werkgebied te achterhalen. Ook informeer je gedetineerden over opleidingsmogelijkheden. Tot slot verricht je administratieve werkzaamheden, waaronder het opstellen van dag- en afdelingsrapporten.
This is my translation:
Your job is working in the prison with the detainees to provide a day rhythm and structure, and in doing so, they increase their chances of returning to the workplace after their time in prison. As medewerker arbeid, you instruct, guide, stimulate and motivate a group of detainees in their daily activities in the secure penitentiary and contribute to their successful re-integration. In doing so you develop and concentrate on the progress and quality, you set the discipline, expectations, boundaries and rules of the game so that they learn and develop. You are responsible for the good atmosphere in the work place. With the detainees you talk with them about their capacities, goals and aspirations for work, help them to find them and plan for these possibilities. You will inform detainees about possible ways they can study, courses, training possibilities. Finally, you will keep a records of all your activity, and maintain all the administration - daily as well as departmental reports.

I think I know why this job appeals to me, there are so many layers - there's the practical part - the pay, the hours, the job prospects, the prospect of a permanent job which will also enable me to start the process of becoming Dutch. There's the job itself, which the more I think about, the more interesting and inspiring it could be. I notice that allowing myself to riff with the idea of what it actually is as a job, is a journey of self awareness too. The job is providing people currently in secure institutions run by the ministry of justice (not just adult prisons, but youth and refugees) with the tools to return to life on the outside, work, life, family etc. I'm not yet sure how broad the material needs to be - this will be in combination with other types of support, but the implications are as broad as life is. What a person does when they leave a secure institution as far reaching implications, them selves, obviously, but their loved ones, dependants, potentially their future victims or rather that by achieving successful reintegration, there hopefully won't be any more victims.
I was thinking about the prospect of being trained in reintegration - the many facets that entails and how by thinking about what's expected of a person in society today, you realise how much there is for a person to be able to do. What I keep coming back to - so much relevant for me here thinking about what I'm noticing, is just that, self awareness. Know thyself. Any person attempting to put their life back on track needs to know who they are first. Much easier said than done. Breaking dysfunctional habits of thought and deed, acceptance, perspective, being able to step back and see yourself though the eyes of others, understanding weaknesses, back to acceptance, but developing the tools to move forward. The brain is not fixed, we learn all the time, in fact the more we do learn the better it works and the longer it works. Old dog, new tricks isn't entirely true, and we can re-programme our selves, but only when it's done with 100% consent from within. That takes courage and sometimes desperation has to happen first. Addictions and compulsions seem to come from the dark place of no love, love for yourself, it fulfills a need and replaces love with something that feels similar in that moment, but inevitably not long after, the panic, regret, self loathing, powerlessness, blame, anger etc sets in. So the cycle repeats it's self, when the real cure is love and kindness. But boy oh boy to feel how neglected and unloved you are first is so painful, excruciatingly so. To let go, feel that pain and sorrow, accept yourself is bloody hard, I know it is. Wonderful once you've done it a few times, but terrible too. The pay off is of course, a long slow journey towards something that first you have to have faith in actually bringing some love and joy back into your life, it's unpredictable and you will of course have to fail many times in many ways, way more complicated than nursing an addiction. This is a fascinating subject, and hugely rewarding if you do get to help individuals set themselves back on a road to being able to function in the 'real world'.
One of the reasons I've always voted green is that they have set out right from the start a very controversial policy regarding justice and incarceration in the UK. It completely re-writes the way we 'punish' offenders. Justice is a loaded word - but from a practical point of view, once a person enters the prison system, you want them to come out a better person, not a hardend criminal. The Netherlands are years ahead and they are rehabilitating more people than pretty much anywhere else in the world. They are leaders in the field. I don't know exactly where this role fits into this but I aspire to work that out and learn as much as I can. I would consider studying this properly academically, this is worth studying!
If I can get through the selection process, I can see myself with something I can really get my teeth into for the next 20 odd years.
Now to find my Fitness Industry training diploma certificate upstairs in the attic!

Feminism or something else?

I have been becoming increasingly aware that throughout my life I have avoided fulfilling my own aspirations and goals and instead opted to tackle whatever things other people were dealing with. I have denied my own needs, import and comfort. This happens alot with women, especially once you have kids. If you look at a successful adult, often you can look behind and see that their parents were pivotal in their success. Not just success in the classic sense of the word, but in nurturing individuals with their priorities in the right place - as in fulfilment vs material gain.

Behind every great man, is a great woman. Women often provide excellent supporting roles be they visible or otherwise. Behind so many successes you will find one or even an army of women working tirelessly, quietly, not expecting reward or recognition. Because the achievement of the greater good is reward in itself?

Why is this such a successful model? Why do we recognise the success of the (mostly) male figure at the top of the success, but not the men and women, often lots of women, who made it all happen? What we see now, is the massive gap in income and mobility that this results in; women simply earn less for the same effort and they don't complain (enough).

So here's me, a mother, who has put herself last, a lot. Here's me in this culture where this is normal. It doesn't serve me to think like this though. Yes I know I live in an era, a culture where I missed the good stuff, I wasn't encouraged to get far, it was far easier to support someone else who was expected to succeed. Or in my case, I see the men around me (my kids included) who are gifted but also totally inept, that if only I try to fill that gap of ineptitude, their genius will get to shine through.

What motivated me time after time to be the earth, the brick the love and the comfort in the background is I saw this person who was amazing, but that this amazing-ness would only have a chance, if only they didn't disappear under their own flavour of autism. All that lack of executive planning, short attention span, low self esteem, depression, conflicted morals (if you are a moral person, much of what you can do that makes money, just isn't particularly moral - takes advantage of people, kills the planet, hurts animals, involves doing stuff we know to be unsustainable).

Working as a team makes you way stronger than the sum of your parts, for an Autie with all these holes in my skills - the disharmonic profile, we need support to achieve stuff. But we are rubbish at asking for help. I am and I know others are.

So armed with what I understand about myself, I recognise someone else similar and decide that by joining forces, we will do much better than on our own. Then we have children, equally disharmonic in their talents and my job is clear, even if it's not easy. It's clear, I fight for their future.

But what about mine? Oxygen mask first and all that? What sort example am I setting?

My husband is good at the details, keeping order to our finances, reading the small print, pragmatic and systematic. But without me, the trail blazer, the mover, the home maker, his life would be much smaller and more predictable. He is drawn to me to get him out of the boring predictable and I'm drawn to him because, without the boring stuff, the exiting stuff wouldn't happen either.

For me there's a dichotomy of behaviour - I am fulfilling a long established tradition of women who put them selves to one side in order to fulfill a bigger picture - the family, the succes of that talented man who would run out of clothes and food without me (I'm simplifying a lot, yes). The children who need nurturing and almost, the more intelligent and creative, the more upbringing and work it takes.
On the other side, who am I? I have many aspirations, dreams and ambitions, but will I be doomed to look back and think, if only.

Do I blame society? or do I take responsibility, forgive both my circumstances for their part in my underachievement? God, social services, my family, the lottery, whatever, won't save me. Only I can, but only if I'm prepared to ask for help too.

The hardest thing for me to get my head round is that thing where you are taking action, responsibility and being pro-active, but with the help and support that's out there - you have to find it, know that it's there for you, that there are tools to help, and that you deserve to use them. Some believe they have entitlements, I know I do, but I'm not sure I know the right ones.

Some kids are naturally more autonomous than others, some need reminding they don't need to be, don't see their limitations. Some have everything the could possibly need, yet lack the confidence to even attempt what others do without a moment's thought.

I have one of each, the eldest is the latter. He is 11 now and I still get the feeling there is an invisible umbilical chord, he won't go far without me. The younger feels more like a helium balloon on a string, and that if I don't watch out, he'll drift off into the sky out of reach.

I have to assess their daily movements very differently, push both their boundaries, like any parent, but also make sure that how far those boundaries go also needs to have boundaries.

Back to me though, this whole balance business, taking action, asking for help. I am really good and seeing it for others, I am even getting quite good at taking a step back and looking at my own circumstances from the view point of someone else.

True heroes of history pretty much always take what's expected, what's 'normal' and sometimes legal, and say this is not for me, I have a bigger, better, different idea. You can achieve great things regardless of what's going on around you. You can do this for yourself or for others - a small or a large group. Both are valid, both ultimately benefit or inspire others.

I am really starting to see that I can't validate something unless it benefits others! I can't even write about how wrong I feel it is to do something that doesn't. I can't even discribe it other than as a 'not helping others'! It's selfish, it's greedy, it's well, pointless to me. Very interesting.

I feel like I need to understand selfishness, I know I can be selfish, I'm not a saint! But most people do seem to be more selfish than I am. But interestingly, I pity them for that. How does that work?

Anyway, now I'm avoiding dusting my living room, I'm getting hungry and I've promised a friend I'll get her a herbal remedy in town for her bruised ribs having been hit by a car on her bike.

What do I want? I'm not sure. But everything I'm doing today is working towards my image I'm maintaining as a kind friend, a good mother, homemaker, generally fairly organised. My working week is like this, doing useful stuff supporting my family and friends.

Does that make me a rubbish feminist? or a person avoiding doing anything for herself, failing for herself, succeeding for herself, taking criticism or credit?

What do I say to people who say to me what is it that you do?

One of the hardest parts about not having a proper job, no degree, no specific career path or idea of actually what it is I want to 'be' is this question.

I do loads of stuff, I earn money cleaning people's houses because there is literally nothing else out there for me right now. So why can't I say that? I can think of lots of reasons. I'm a snob, or at least someone who believes that jobs define a person to some extent, I guess I grew up with that, but personally? I feel like saying that, I've failed in life. I know it's not the case, but I'm being honest here.
I have a at the very least a book about being a woman with Aspergers in me, a screenplay on a historical character I want to write, and a cook book. That's all the writing.
I would like to run a natty little shop in the centre of Utrecht selling interesting stuff relating to cycling, not bikes, everything but the bike - which is what I'd call it.
I would like to campaign for women's rights home and abroad, it's a subject so nebulous and so far from a place where we are anywhere near an acceptable level of equality with men, I don't know where to start.
I'd like to make a concept album about Utrecht with electronic music.
I'd like to be a stand up comedian
I'd like to be able to do lots of long and short random projects that touch people, inspire people and cause trouble for people who already have a way to big slice of pie. If you get a big piece of pie, when you are full, share the rest. The chances are, that pie you have, even if you worked hard for it, you didn't work hard for the body and mind you were given when you were born, that came to you by chance, as did who your parents were and so on. I'm fed up with people thinking that just because you worked hard, you didn't get to work hard by working hard, you got to work hard by having a vehicle (body and mind) that worked in the first place.

Anyway. Still don't know what to say when that dreaded question comes up.

Begining again

I keep starting blogs and not continuing, my attention span is really not up to the task. Whatever, this time will be different, well actually I don't care. I'm not going to worry about this being read or not, I'm not setting out on doing something massive or that interesting, just writing it down.

I'm doing this for a number of reasons, here they are in no particular order:

I've started a course called a year to clear - I'm encouraged to write down my thoughts
I'm writing (several) books, or I want to, so all writing is practice, I wont write the book here of course, but I'm sure this will have some relevance.
This includes a cookbook I have in mind which will be a 5 year project documenting life where I live in Overvecht, Utrecht, NL. This cookbook will be a work of art, the lives, the food, the people, the place.
I have high functioning Autisme and ADHD, diagnosed earlier this year, still working out who I am and where I'm going with it.
I am a mother of two high functioning autistic kids, it's a roller coaster.
I am a wife of a highly gifted, autistic, hyper sensitive, depressed, recovering from a breakdown husband, I don't go on about it too much on social media, that wouldn't be appropriate or necessary but I want a space where I can write about it.
My hobbies (do I have time for hobbies?) are cycling and music. I sing in a choir and I want to ensure that I regularly get to make music with other people - it's good for my soul.
I cycle for transportation and enjoyment, not fast, not particularly far, but it's my moments of prayer, of contemplation, where my best ideas are formed and where I feel most connected to myself.
I am a homemaker, I don't have very much money for this, but with what I can find, I channel my imagination and creativity into my home for me and my family. Especially my garden, it's not much, but I am constantly looking out into it, walking round it and regularly adding or taking away. I love to grow things, I'm getting quite experienced. Right now, I have about half a metric ton of bricks waiting in the front garden that I got for free last week to make a planter and possibly a bbq in the back garden, together with some car tyres I found in a skip.
I am a practical person, I work well with my hands, I'm strong and I like to tinker - with bikes, the garden, a bit of art if I can, decorating, I want to try tiling and wallpapering if I can.
I am calendar coordinator for the IWCU - International Women's Club Utrecht - my job is to manage the member's calendar of events - mostly responding to emails asking for events to be added or changed and managing that on line calendar.

I love to learn, I love to read, I love to write, I love to listen, I love to watch, I love to move, I love to lounge about and watch telly with one of my boys, I love to grow stuff, I love to cook, I love to dance to music, I love to play music, I love to sing, I love to sleep, I love to bob about in water, I love to cycle, I love to help my friends, I love my husband, I love my boys. I even love to clean up my house and enjoy looking around at how nice it looks again, even if getting started is rare.

This coming year I will be starting a communal garden project together with others living nearby, to transform a bit of waste ground into a place to grow stuff. There is the possibility of a bee hive too. What goes on here is also going to be a part of the cookbook content - growing your own with a balcony or a small city garden.

So much of this is connected - writing is or should/could be the medium to bring it together, ideally to publish things that will inspire others in various ways. I am compelled and motivated by sharing what I know, bringing together what others know and making it available for as many as possible. I am inspired by others who are doing this and have done this. What holds me back is my lack of planning and ability to stick with things for very long - my attention span and lack of confidence. I get really enthused by an idea, then imagine it to the point it takes over the entire world, then I think about what I would have to do to make that happen. Then I realise I have two kids to look after and we all have autism which limits what I'm capable of (I couldn't do the whole, work, be a parent, study in my spare time deal that so many women can - by the evening, I'm done, plus I don't have much income so courses have to be free or cheap, stuff to do is invariably volunteer work) and park it with all the other ideas. I'm working out how to eat an elephant, how to make every day count and hopefully how to finally achieve even a fraction of the possibilities that have been born only to live in the great parking space in my mind.

August is almost done with, September is on it's way. In my head I keep thinking it's soon time to plant bulbs - my garden is established but sparse - we moved in last October and with the small amount of resources I have available, I'm slowly getting the garden to where I'd like to be. This includes buying copious amounts of bulbs on the market soon, and planting them.
Then there's the bricks waiting in the front garden - I've got a few ideas in my head, plus I will need 50 euros give or take or so for soil and some plants for the planters - or at least I want to get it to a point where in the spring, I can have a place to pop the baby plants in as they get big enough from seeds - flowers and edibles.

My smart phone is on it's last legs, there's no obvious source of a couple of hundred euros to replace that at the moment.

I'm organising a first aid course for the IWCU members, I need to do a refresher, right now though, I could do with postponing it to the spring, if I'm honest. If it goes ahead I'll know by the end of this week, that's set in motion.

This week I will be setting many things in motion and resuming things that have been 'on holiday' for the summer. I like beginnings, I'm watching carefully what happens next though.