Redirecting thoughts

The human mind is a powerful generator that cannot be turned off; it can only be directed.

What thoughts would you like (re) direct today?

I am nothing, empty and meaningless - a useful thing to remember when I'm telling myself that life isn't fair and complaining that things aren't all my way. I am a lighter person, but i also need to direct import in the direction of things that for no reason other than I choose, are worth doing.
I am searching for some magical purpose, calling, that thing that I am born to do. But it (probably) doesn't exist, in my case perhaps.
Am I destined to be a writer? Have some really interesting ideas and plots I want to explore, plus I am a pretty good writer and inventor of ideas. But I have limited time and energy, and an urgent need to spend what time I have, earning even a small amount of money.
There are jobs out there that I could do, using my brains, experience and energy, if only I knew how to find them, how to convince them I was useful and if need be invest time and energy learning new skills. I am a clever person, but I'm still working out where I'm cleverest and where I'm not.

My story is that I don't know, I am bored of applying for jobs where they come back with the fact that I have no recent experience, yes I know! that's because I'm suddenly unemployable! Talk about catch 22. I need someone to be willing to take a risk, or to give me the opportunity to catch up, it wouldn't take long (if any time - it's rubbish, I am not rusty at all, I just haven't been employed for decade - I've worked for myself and run a family).

This is also kind of a storyline as technically I'm working now, I clean 3 mornings a week and child mind 2 afternoons a week, so that's a respectable part time income, except that there's no progression, no holiday money, no sick pay and no security. It's hand to mouth.

So the fact is, I'm working, the rest is whatever I happen to feel like.

Maybe I should compile a list of all the things I'm interested in, all the things I'm good at, all the things I'm ok at and all the things I hate or I'm rubbish at. Then see what drifts to the surface.

How much time and energy to I actually have to do stuff? How much time am I actually prepared to dedicate to earning a living?

If my story is that I don't know what to do with myself, then the obvious thing to do is to focus in on that rather than it being ever present on in my peripheral vision and every time I see something I might like I think about it for an hour, a day a week, maybe a month, and then I remember there was other stuff I liked or that it requires money and time investment which makes me nervous as I have wasted so much in the past and changed my mind and my plans.


Up to now I've seen that my short attention span lends well to project work, that my intelligence lends well to being able to fully comprehend a situation or task, that my strong language skills lend well to being a good communicator, both verbally and on paper. My integrity and honesty lends well to working on things that make a difference - I am not motivated by money, pay or  even acknowledgement so much as doing stuff that is useful and there's a tangible result or outcome.

I am a good leader, I am not proud or vain or interested in power. However I'm rubbish at demonstrating that I'm a good leader in an interview, because I haven't worked out what it is that I actually did in situations where I took the leadership role. I don't gravitate towards leadership unless I see that it's not already being led. I possibly avoid or lack the confidence to impose or offer leadership, to me leadership requires invitation. This probably isn't true, or it is true but I'm not seeing or interpreting the invitation.