Bevrijdingsdag

It's the 5th of May. This is an important day in the Netherlands, the anniversary of the end of the german occupation during the 2nd World War. Utrecht was occupied with a capital O and a large part of the male population was taken away and put to work towards the end of the war and the women were left to get through the harshest winter on their own. For those left behind, it was a frightening and painful time. Just what I've been reading about in today's paper. More significant distraction.
Bevrijding for me also refers to this being the first of hopefully many respite weekends. The kids are wonderful but also exhausting, more than normal kids. OK we are also lucky and they aren't physically handicapped, but it's taken me long enough to admit that we needed something like this so I'm not going to justify it.
It is weird, quiet, dare I say it, lonely. I'm enjoying the peace, but I don't want to be alone. Tobe and I are pretty much at opposite ends of the house. He's in the attic bimbling about probably anxious that he's not doing what he should be doing and I'm here in the garden doing the same.
I have lists, right now though, they aren't very well put together. I feel like my integrity is all disconnected and things aren't standing up straight or able to work like they should. I am also not inclined to do anything though. Half of me wants to get all busy, tie up loose ends, tidy up the mess, and get cracking on those things I want to do. Half of me wants to sit on my arse, scroll face book, drink tea or gin and have absolutely nothing to do with anything that should be done, just relax. I doubt anyone would deny me the relaxing thing, after all, I've not had a holiday without the kids as such, that hasn't involved somebody else's obligation or care since they were born. I think that's not quite accurate, but what it comes down to more, is I haven't defined and organised my time very well and I don't get the most out of my time, work or play. It's all a bit hazy.
It feels like those dreams when you are on a journey somewhere and suddenly find you've lost your stuff, you are on the wrong train or the person you are with or should be caring for has vanished. You keep trying different things, and you just can't seem to work it out. I generally start getting upset or angry, then I wake up.
I'm awake now though and it's like hide and seek. I get up and wonder around the ground floor, I feel dizzy and weak. I recover and slowly look around, it's messy and needs tidying. There in the corner, toby's escape room stuff. A cardboard veg tray from the supermarket full of paperwork to file. Every available surface in the middle covered in art stuff I need to work out how to store. I've not done anything creative with it ever, I want to, but I can't get going.
I see the clipboard week list I bought at the beginning of the year, for weeks this year, mayby 70% of them, I've got round to filling in the plan for the week, maybe 20% of them I've actually looked at again after having done it at the beginning of that week. That's not as bad as it sounds, as just knowing what I was doing a few days in advance, did really help. What didn't help, is that my desk is the dining table, I'm not a hot desk type, so having to decamp when we used it to eat or play a game, didn't really help. Maybe if I'd have found a way or somewhere to store my stuff that wasn't just out the way, I could do that fine, but it's not worked yet.
Maybe I need a writing shed in the garden. Maybe I should commute to one of the buurtcafe's when they are on and go and work there. I'm going to be volunteering there with the volkstuin/moestuin very soon. Maybe I should use that as a way to get out and get work done, not try to do it at home. At home do the jobs I should do at home, clean, tidy, cook etc.
Spaces all confused. I need to make definition, work out where I am.
So many half baked ideas and plans, I don't think plans is the proper word, it's all just ideas. Planning is the bit I can't focus on.
Where to start. Back to pen and paper.