The Kick Inside

I've been a huge fan of Kate Bush since I was about nine years old. My Dad bought The Kick Inside and considering at that age with nothing on telly, not being an outdoor type, or particularly a reader I spent most of my spare time sitting next to my Dad's 4 speed gramophone staring at the covers of the records and listening. The Kick Inside, the entire album, but especially the A side, was a particular favourite and throughout my life when times are hard, I listen to it and it grounds me. The Kick Inside track is the last on the B side, so didn't really get much of my attention back then.
Since I've had a few gig of music on my smart phone (I think there's about 10gb of music on the SD card give or take, so a good few years now, but still recent, I suppose, I don't by any means, have everything on there I own, but I've got The Hounds of Love, The Sensual World and The Kick Inside on my phone at the moment and while I'm working or riding around, my phone is on random, but it seems to pick these up quite a lot.
Having recently really become present to how much I've put myself last this has been something I've been picking up in lyrics, especially our lovely Kate.
Giving it all in a moment or two
Giving it all in a moment for you
This song plays in my head all the time at the moment, I've not really ever looked at the meaning behind the song - as it turns out, the story is old and about a brother and sister who fall in love, she gets pregnant and kills herself. So not really my story.
It is such a very human, often female thing to do. To remove yourself from the situation to save others, sometimes spiritually, sometimes physically, usually with no thought for your own wants or needs. Your happiness depends on the happiness of another - not even their approval or to make you loved by them. It's utterly selfless, you don't matter, they do.
So no, the story doesn't fit but of course, the sentiment does. Kate, in writing the song was getting in to the character of this young girl and she understood the emotions. Some said this was very precocious as she wrote some of the most incredible songs on some of the deepest and darkest sides of the female mind in her teens. I'm with her too, I was just like that, at that age too.
This song haunts me now, it's calling me out. I haven't considered suicide and I don't intend to, but I am, I suppose calling myself out "for giving it all" it's what 'we do' so there's definitely a level of acceptance needed, forgiveness too. In this day and age, we are expected to be more selfish. To look after our needs, and I pretty much, didn't. Some I did, I kept a roof over my head, I had some fun, looked for interesting things to do, but I drift into things, if I like them, it sticks until I think I've got as far as I can, then I drift away and into something else.
But having children, a husband. It consumed me.
I noticed a while ago that I am a very loyal partner, but when it comes to work or a career (no, not had that yet) I drift around. My confidence in my abilities is very low, and now I can see that my executive functioning skills, or lack of, has tripped up pretty much every attempt at anything academically certifiable (so to speak). Another big hurdle is always money. I can't save, I can't diet, I can't plan unless something massive depends on it. I'm not 'massive enough' though. I did move my entire family to another country and by a house, but it wasn't for me (well it was, but what I wanted was for them) and it wasn't my money - it was Toby's Parents and the money was to be used for nothing else.
Jobs I've wanted, dream jobs - DJ, Stand up comedian, musician, writer, director. All require not just planning skills, but pretty high levels of planning and practice.
Maybe the job at the prison appeals to me because it's about teaching what I haven't yet learnt myself - to be able to pick a vocation, plan how to become qualified and to go and do it.
But first, do you need to know who you are? It might be useful. Some just do it, without all the soul searching, especially if they can plan. They think about what they enjoy and the rest comes naturally. But what if you don't know what you enjoy? your enjoyment isn't selfish enough, or it's motivated simply by a need for love or safety. Or you do, but you think your not good enough? For me, it's probably a mixture of all three.
The Kick Inside